Published in ILLUMINATION·Jan 15Member-onlyThis is Why I Will Never Cook Bacon Buck Naked AgainIt's not why you think — Mama always said, "Never cook bacon naked." Okay, she never said that. But she should have. She told me to always wear shoes while in the kitchen. "What if you spill boiling water or grease out of the frying pan on your feet? Trust me, you don't want your foot…Humor7 min readHumor7 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION-Curated·Jan 15Member-onlyRuss and the Magic BusI’ll never forget the day Russ tried to kill a busload of screaming, airborne oilfield workers. — The job was out in the sticks just like usual. When I first heard about where we were headed, I would have backed out of the job. Everyone knew the living conditions at Camp Cruella. That was the nickname that everyone called this shithole at the end of the earth. …Fiction8 min readFiction8 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Sep 12, 2022Member-onlyHow a Pipefitter Named Pig-Boy Put the Boss in His PlacePersnicketey, pestiferous Al gets a good puggling — Pigboy was a big guy. Messy, too. When we first met him, his name was Donny. But that’s just because his parents didn’t know him well enough when he was born yet to give him his true name. Donny was a labourer at first. He worked hard, and everyone liked…Humor7 min readHumor7 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Aug 8, 2022Member-onlyAll Canadians Love Hockey, and Other LiesYou’re mistaken about us Canadians — Lie 1. All Canadians Love Hockey A flat-out falsehood. I could take hockey or leave it, but I prefer to leave it. And there are many other Canadians who agree. I’m not a hockey fan, which is probably why I had to leave Canada in the first place. – Ryan Reynolds I don’t watch any sports…3 min read3 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·May 1, 2022Member-onlyWelcome to Cautionary Tales — the Book of Funny Yet Tragic StoriesAll proceeds are going to a men’s mental health charity — A few months back, my friend Ryan and I decided to write a book of blue-collar work stories. Why? To raise money for a men’s mental health charity. We feel that the working man’s mental state and ability to cope with reality are under siege daily. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Mar 24, 2022Member-only6 Ways Wearing Shoes Inside Your House is Like French Kissing the Sidewalk#3 Dog poop — People do some ugly, dirty things. Things like wearing their shoes and boots past their front door, right into their kitchen, living room, and (gasp!) bedroom. Some even lie on beds with their grime-encrusted peds. In my part of the world, this just isn’t done. Footwear comes off at the…Lifestyle3 min readLifestyle3 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Mar 14, 2022Member-only10 Tight Reasons to Buy Our Shamelessly Plugged Book, Cautionary Tales1. Blocks nuclear radiation better than almost any other book with less pages — 2. Cautionary Tales Can Double as Emergency Poo Paper This book can double as bathroom tissue. From an actual reader’s review: “In the trades, or any profession for that matter, finding ways of making the day a little bit more enjoyable is often a necessity. On the job, one of the things that help keep us smiling is the…Books4 min readBooks4 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Feb 28, 2022Member-onlyPutin Just Poured Ketchup in YOUR CoffeeWhat are we going to do about it? — You sit at a beautiful sidewalk cafe, sipping a cup of joe. It’s not a perfect brew, but it’s pretty good. As you look out on a sunny morning in this peaceful village, you are enjoying the shit out of it. Life is good. But there’s a bully who cares…Russia3 min readRussia3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Jan 25, 2022Member-onlyStuck in the Drive-through With YouAnd I don’t know what it is I should do — Things were pretty tight the one fall. It wasn’t my first choice, but I got a job doing some pipefitting at a small installation in the middle of nowhere. The company set me up with a work truck and a helper to get the project done. …Humor5 min readHumor5 min read
Published in ILLUMINATION·Jan 24, 2022Member-onlyYour Thirsty Subscription Asks Are Why I Stopped Reading (and Writing) StoriesStop asking so much for handouts — It’s desperate and unattractive — These desperate pleas for a subscription suck the life out of me every time I read one. Here are a few I collected in the last two minutes, from 15 random clicks. I modified them to make them more interesting. They started out bland and puke-worthy. If you enjoy reading…Writing Tips4 min readWriting Tips4 min read
